And then I decided to stop.
If this was the result of a long-term process, I had no idea. What was sure, was that I hadn’t seen it coming.
I just stopped.
Whether it was going to apply to this very situation or to what was left of my life, I didn’t know either.
What I could really tell for sure, was the emotional impact it had.
It made me feel empowered, wise, mature, independent.
It made me feel so free.
I stopped playing.
I realized I had been triggered and I just watched it happen without getting trapped in the usual twirl of words escalating towards a plateau of emotional despair, a mountain of misunderstanding and down to a valley of endless helplessness.
I had been triggered and I didn’t catch the baton.
I just watched it, as if it was my turn to play a game I didn’t like.
I had unexpectedly withdrawn from it, far enough to understand that I was the one in charge.
It felt like I had forced myself to play a game of suffering.
It really sounds sick, doesn’t it?
There is no proper way of wrapping our heads around this until we abruptly come to understand that, as long and painful as this game had been on us, it was all meant to lead to be this epiphany.
There is no freedom apart from suffering.
But there is no suffering that doesn’t contain the potential to freedom.
»We must have been lured, again and again… and then some more, all the way down to what we experience as the most unfair form of suffering, to eventually enjoy the releasing feeling of freedom…and joy, and laughter at our own confusion.
On another level, there is some really sad aspect in this experience.
Here are a few samples of the games I have indulged in, I was really good at them and could play for hours or even days :
« yes I know, this is all my fault »,
« this really looks like me, who did I think I was? »
« oh no, why is this happening to me? »
« but why do you have to be like that? Won’t you ever change? »
But the thing is, once you get out of the game, you leave the other contestant(s) alone with the board with no one to play with.
You may then wonder whether your stepping out has offered her an occasion to realize the ridiculous stupidity of this never-ending process she has been sucked in….
…..Or if this person needs play no matter what.
Even though there is no end to this game, players are compulsively searching a way out… but it is a catch 22:
Victims will be victims
Bullies will be bullies
Bullies will be victims
Victims will be bullies…
Whatever the scenario, what matters is that the game is on.
Which is stronger, the impulse to play or the quest for freedom?
I guess we need to exhaust the need to play to walk the way to peace.