There is a form of violence that I apply to myself.
It occurs at night, when I struggle with what appears as a wake-up phase I try to I seek at all costs to convert it into a sleep phase.
I desperately need to sleep… as one screams for help, my body screams for sleep, and I just can’t…
The professional world as we experience it in our modern lives often exerts a reverse from of violence, forcing ourselves to fight back sleep as it keeps showing on the surface.
It is perhaps in what we call here ‘mirror violence’ that lays the origin of the violence that I inflict on myself at night: knowing I am condemned not to sleep when I have to, I condemn myself, I condemn myself to a night sleep, that in this season of life, my body does not request.
By forcing sleep into this body of mine, resorting to a full array of ever more ineffective tricks, (those would require a dedicated treatise (‘The Grimoire of Useless Recipes To Get To Sleep),
I impose on myself a dissonant process with regard to my natural biological processes.
It would be like eating, when you are not hungry, thinking we are anticipating a future impossibility to access food.
Doing so, I severely upset my body subtle mechanisms.
Accepting the words, as they demand to fill pages from the notebook, in my case, tonight, is a constructive and harmonious alternative to the usual violence of sleep being forced in vain.
Sleep, in order to flood the consciousness of awakening must find a peaceful and serene ground. In other words, the very opposite of what I bring up by mistreatment and non-listening, day and night.
This fundamental step on the way to a re-balancing of our relation to this body is the acceptance of the non-possibility of performance…
Or more directly, the refusal to comply with the injunction of performance and optimization that season all our daytime activities and disrespects the ebbing phase in the oceans of our bodies.
When low tide, low tide.
Do not run on the beach in vain
Water will not rise again
The vital respect, even if it does not substantiate in sleep…
Is a listening, a knowledge, a body wisdom.
©FJ August 2021
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