There is no better way to describe how we sometimes feel.
The problem is we are often unable to use this term when we actually are ‘off-balance’.
Lately, as I was feeling globally frustrated over everyday matters, even though I could see quite precisely the all-embracing cloud of desires circumventing every aspect of my life and perfectly knowing these desires are the root of a pervading frustration (the usual mix : dukkha/kama), this knowledge clearly wasn’t enough to quench and appease my soul.
A couple of days went by and, following the sweet physical exhaustion earned out of a 3-hour biking session, it suddenly dawned on me : I was off balance.
This term perfectly fitted the roughness of my inner material. I had been off balance for a while.
There is no shame in admitting it.
This shame which can be experienced in these moments lies in our attempts at believing in a scenario we write and share so as to sustain the edge of unsatisfied desires and the distorted feeling of existence they provide.
Was it because I hadn’t had any formal practice the week before ?
Was it some unexpected echo of a long gone behaviour ?
I really can’t tell.
But this inner call to get the balance right, not only matched my reality, but also clearly helped. It shed light on these ongoing desires and exposed them in a way more effective that the blaring sirens any buddhist conceptual toolbox could bring.
In the future, may I allow myself to aknowledge this state of shattered balance,
As this is the first — and surprisingly, as in cases such as the one reported here, the only — step towards harmony.
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