I have often been suspicious of the power of subjugation that can be exercised by the man, the woman who masters the art of speaking, who unfurls laryngeal flexibility, tknow how to impact with the decisive glottal stop.
A mind short of autonomy is actually waiting for nothing else.
A few drops of ego, barely, and one holds such power it in the palm of one’s hand.
This power is insidiously addictive and most often drowned in deadly denial.
What an acute consciousness does one need to manifest to be a Master!
Often merely casting fake pearls before numb swine.
I one led practice sessions for a little while and made this observation of lack of autonomy, and was surprised by the power dynamics that are set up on their own once someone starts speaking in front of a group of listeners.
People ask for something, then force silence to speak.
This is why silence is silent. What’s the point, then ?
Today, I co-host hybrid sessions, where a façade of verbal exchanges serves as an alibi to practice for people who do not feel capable of pure sitting.
The transformations in these people over the weeks often surprise me.
Under the carpet of words, what operates operates.
This is the teaching of my master.
As I am now about to move to an other area, I leave the community of practitioners and will now be able to experience the solidity of my ardor, my bodhicitta, without the struts of a dojo practicing schedule, without the requirement of awaiting eyes.
You alone, facing the steamroller of life, what will happen to your practice ?
I think that this nudity, this crossing off the beaten paths, without companions, I fear it as much as I expect it.
The real encounter is this way.
However, I already know this well.
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Notes & Silence 
You are commencing a more solitary practice? Leaving communal activity? Do not underestimate either the isolation or the benefit, to yourself and, maybe, others.
Long ago, in spirit, I left the path of communal observance of what was ignorantly – even dishonestly – denied to be ritual acts. For other reasons, it took longer to walk away physically. But that time came.
I have seen the spiritual tyranny of the preacher and of the horde of the « faithful ». I have seen that horde in its willing subjugation of personal enquiry and development beneath the fortress of dogma.
These may call me heretic. Even apostate – badges I claim as symbols of freedom of the spirit.
Maybe others will learn to see past the horror of my desertion to the value of walking one’s own path. Maybe, as I think you may be hinting, others will see that value in your example. Eventually.
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Thank you Simon for opening the hatch on this part of your personal path.
I’ve left the nest a while ago now.
It felt as a natural evolution along the path.
Loneliness is a discontinuous by-product, I guess and a grounding counterbalance for moments of grace. A perpetual invitation to keeping walking.
I must admit the context has been weighing up heavier than I would have thought on the practice. Mine and other’s
Still, this practice is the light piercing a way through, a way up, a way in.
That’s how a ragged bodhisattva would like to think of himself, probably…
The path is never short of surprises and always makes sure an unexpected turn apoears to open my eyes wide.
I love the way you hint at courage and bravery, the adventurous heart such a lonelynoath requires.
This leads to the question to know whether this thirst can ever be quenched on such long trodden roads.
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I suspect the answer to your last question may be « No ». But, then, maybe that is the point. The thirsty tread ever toward the oasis – but through many a mirage on the way. Each illusion, nevertheless, has its lessons.
The solitary way is not for everyone, however. For me, I think, it was the only path I could walk, regardless of how many are around me. It took time for me to understand that, and to walk past yet another mirage. Some « solitaries » seek a communal experience. To each, his or her own.
I would suggest « treasure the loneness ». In the whisper of solitude you may find a surer companionship, and that weight you describe may be a calling to look and understand more deeply.
But this is highly figurative language, and I have no greater insight, nor any that you should take without a good deal of caution and consideration. And I speak of loneness in one’s spiritual path specifically.
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